yeah. what she said.

right?

i don't give a s***.

i shouldn't feel any lonelier today than i did yesterday right? or than i'll feel tomorrow? right?

these are a few of my favorite things

i've been reading bianca for years now (since 2005, in fact) and her beauty as well as her eye for it never cease to amaze me. she is, as always, way cooler than me, and therefore has a tumblr that you should REALLY check out. suenos.

mmm. my name is joy. and i fancy myself a baker. so when i want to bake or cook or just luxuriate in something, i often go looking for joy the baker. some of my faves:
vegan pumpkin walnut bread (two loaves ready to go in the fridge RIGHT NOW)
whole wheat choc chip cookies
ginger chocolate chip cookies

and sometimes i go to joy for a good soup:
ginger lentil
kale and sweet potato

deb at smitten kitchen makes my savory life worth living in all sorts of ways.

whenever i'm looking for something soupy, shutterbean makes me smile.

and when i just want inspiration, this joy+ride is a pretty awesome solution.

and then, when i want to dream about that idyllic summer day when i have nothing to do, noone to call and nothing to say except quiet murmurs shared with the friends i care for the most, i let my mind drift to the poet's loft. can't wait.

this is what i do when i can't work an ounce more and i don't give a crap about the superbowl. go figure.

things still aren't quite flowing...

so here's an old love poem i ran across in my google docs. the person this is about is long out of my life and my heart, but it's one of the few poems i've written that i can read without wincing (not quite true, but still).

missing

missing you

missing you is like a phantom limb,
the spot in my chest where my love for you resided

aches on rainy days
wakes me up on muggy nights
catches me in the middle of sentences and meetings, unawares.

missing you is like my toothache
it comes and goes
a dull pain i'm not sure how to get rid of

i know it will go away
i know.
i just wish there were a way to replay
the sweet beginnings,
the before instead of the after,
i wish there were a way to dwell in the sweet nights
and the early mornings,
the light instead of the dark.

the future won't return you to me, i know.
so dwelling on the past, which held such promise, will have to be enough.

this is the end of the innocence

i'm entering my 6th year of teaching (as in, it has already begun). i started my first blog during my first year teaching, which started about 6 years ago. my journey with words written into boxes on my computer screen and shared with the world has had its stops and starts, but i would really like to spend time spinning phrases and ideas into lines in this space as much as possible.

growing up has mellowed me out and made me less interested in sharing myself with the anonymous world out there, and my amped up professional life sucks away my time to immerse myself in good words and ideas, leaving me with less than amazing insights into the things going on in the world.

i could easily tell you the latest about yosmary's helpfulness, or how jericho finally turned in his op-ed, or even about the little work flirtation situation happening with the kindergarten teacher from cali, but all that seems unimportant in the face of tornadoes and a black president who is losing traction and a nation that is waiting for superman to land on our doorstep. none of the minutiae of my and my students' lives seems worth the publicity. and yet, it is that minutiae that is beginning to be all that really matters; my microcosm for seeing the rest of this big bad world of ours.

this is where i am. hear me out.

it has been a long, long while

and for the first time in a long time, i feel like writing. i feel like writing about this new life that i have created.

i've been teacher for, oh, 3 years and 8 months now. 8 months since the end of my year-long break, 8 months since i returned to my calling. it has been a rocky road. nothing about teaching at a great school in a high-performing charter network is easy. writing lessons isn't easy, managing students isn't easy, finding time to get all my crap done isn't easy...loving the kids as much as i do isn't easy.

today i felt like singing until i had a meeting with my boss that left me feeling teary. i cry way too easily, granted, but i didn't feel good after a week that left me tired and mentally drained. i worked and worked and worked my butt off all week, only to hear that everything i did wasn't quite good enough. being a perfectionist, getting constant feedback is hard- obviously noone is ever perfect when working with other people (there's always tons of room for mistakes), but sometimes you don't want to hear it. sometimes you just want to try to feel good about what you've done without any critical feedback. :/

forever learning.

next week i'm off to california for 10ish days with 63 kids...whoo hoo? we'll be visiting my alma mater along with other schools and i'm super excited to spend some time having fun with my loves. wish me luck- i'm rooming with some of the biggest drama queens in the grade!

feels good to be back...

honey, i love

the shoes in the bottom right corner...

acoustic

lupe and matthew santos doing "superstar." h/t to dork magazine.

i think i'm learning

so i've been shying away from considering the potential of a committed relationship with the man i've been seeing for the past few months. i make lots of excuses- oh, he's too young, he's an actor and doesn't know what he wants, what if end up hurting him?
in the end, i know the real reason i push away conversation of relationships is the way i allowed my last one to end- with my heart and my sense of self crushed and run through a freaking blender. if i weren't such a coward i probably would have tried to end my life (stupid, right?). it really fucked me up. i had nothing left, or so i thought. i acted out, said/emailed/blogged a bunch of cruel things between bouts of drunkenness and binge eating that i thought might make me feel better, and nothing really worked. i basically became a functional alcoholic, and ate myself into 20 added pounds. i guess i was trying to end my life the cowardly way, from the inside out. i thank a divine being and my family and friends for helping me snap out of it, but the emotional scars remain.
i was confronted on facebook today by pictures of my ex and his girlfriend, who seem much happier than i ever felt dating him. i, as "over it" as i am, felt some tears welling up. over that relationship that ended so long ago. over seeing him with a girl i've known he's been dating since, oh, probably a month after we broke up, which is just about a year ago now. not a new idea.
then, as i'm starting to sink into my self-pitying, "no one will ever fit me like that again" abyss, i hear my ringtone through the drone of chrisette michele on my ipod earbuds (god, that's like a bad line out of a "chicken soup for the soul" memoir). who is it? the new boy. the one i spend so much time not considering as a viable love option. the one i make excuses about. he's calling to ask how my day was, to tell me how much he enjoyed our walk yesterday, how an agent thought his headshots are great and will be sending him out to auditions post-haste. if only i believed in signs...

it was like i never left

it has been another busy day, and it continues, but i have to quickly take a moment to thank whoever it is that puts us on this earth for allowing me to find my calling in the classroom. i saw my children today and it was like i never left. i sometimes have to remind myself that some of the most profound connections i have had with people were found in a classroom, and that there are very few things that mean more to me than my children. sometimes i forget what it means to love them, and how it feels to receive that love in return, and what my purpose in life is. i forget, but then i see terrell and ruthie and navaskia and the kevins and cliffannie and alexis and they ask me to return, to come to their houses, to hear about their mom and how she lost her job or how grandma is sick and i remember that my calling is to serve them. and i realize that returning to the classroom next year is absolutely the right decision. slowly but surely it all becomes clear.

preparing myself

career day at my old school is april 17th. i haven't seen my kids since last june. i am ready. i miss them.


i'm already thinking about what i should bake to bring.




it feels like yet another homecoming.

lake jewelry

i received my latest etsy purchase in the mail today, and i have to say, i am pleasantly surprised.

i love buying handmade and supporting independent artists/artisans, but buying from etsy is risky...sometimes it would seem that the artist used a "magic" camera while photographing their goods, and created an image that is completely unlike the product i receive in the mail.

lake, though is a different story. the blossom vines earrings i ordered arrived, and are just as beautiful as i hoped.

yay!

check out etsy for more cool finds...

VDay/ my sister is fucking awesome

i got one valentine's gift today, and i have to say that it's better and more unexpected than any other gift i've received.

a little background: i, being a complete and utter idiot, managed to deafen myself early last fall by misusing q-tips. i had a wax blockage, people! i couldn't hear! i had to go to the clinic and the doctor banned me from using q-tips ever again! pathetic, yes?

anyway, now you will understand my awesome gift...

siblings rock. :) happy valentine's day, my friends.

i need a man, part 2

i thought long and hard, and realized that everything else i need from a man is conditional on the specific person, time of my life, and city in which i reside, so i'll just leave with you a little crooning from america's least favorite hip-hop artist, p. diddy** (is that even still his "name"?).




**correction: after 50 cent's comments on obama, he and p. diddy may find themselves in a dead heat for last place...

unlikely suspects

i'm sifting through old files tonight, feeling a little crazed and a lot stressed, and i found this poem i wrote almost three years ago (!) about my boys. i think this file found me because it knew i needed some sustenance. i don't know if i'd write the same way today as i did back then in '05, but i believe in honoring the past so i'll share it with you (again, if you're an old-school reader from back in the lj days):

unlikely suspects

no one thought they would want to be cheerleaders.

they surprised us all

smiling their beautiful smiles,
backflipping as easy as they walk,
giggling as they are caught unawares actually enjoying themselves,
they treat the girls, their friends and sisters and cousins, with a respect that is catching:
they are my little and not-so-little gentlemen.

laughing and playing,
silly they are

at once like (in the comradery) and unlike (in the self-hatred) the
gun-toting
curse-throwing
hypnotiq-drinking
destroyers
that they will be
in so many a mind’s eye
sooner than i would like to think

simply,
happy.

little black boys see the world as their oyster.
they see the world as
jamaica
and the bronx
and DR,
as kingston and santo domingo,
as EBAFF and room 213.
as they grow, so will the world, and it will change them.
if only they knew to be careful
if only they knew to stay happy

i don’t ever want to forget you,
little black boys.

i don’t ever want to forget you,
just like this.

i need a man, part 1

so do you remember this blast from the past? p. diddy and usher sharing a laundry list of the things their "girl"s needed to be in order to make them happy? well i think it's time we ladies made a laundry list of our own.
i had two somewhat disturbing conversations this weekend with female friends who have decided that much of the abhorrent behavior displayed by men is "to be expected." you know, things like lying and cheating, using women for their bodies, being arrogant and selfish, needing the women in their lives to pretend to be weak in order to highlight their "manliness." i have trouble with that notion. i don't know why i would be interested in settling for a partner (for life or for a week) who isn't interested in doing the sort of self-maintenance (mentally and emotionally) that i do. i don't expect anything from a man that i don't also expect from myself. so this morning, i've decided to make my "i need a man" list.
(funnily enough, my dad told me to make a list like this a long time ago and i thought the idea was crazy. silly me. dave is no fool.)

be this, or be gone list

1. honest. and by honest i don't mean just when it suits you. i mean respect and love me enough to tell me the truth, even when the truth is not about you being disappointed in me, but rather you being disappointed in yourself.
2. able to admit that you're wrong. this is actually a challenge for me. it's something i work on, and something that most of my friends struggle with as well (ahem, friend-of-mine out there! mark-paul gosselaar??). it's natural to want to be right, but sometimes in a relationship your partner needs to hear that you know what you did was wrong and that you'll work on it.
3. well-groomed. and by that i don't mean that you have to get man manicures. but please wear a decent pair of jeans, a matching shirt, and have a pair of cute shoes. i like a man that looks and smells good. just don't bring the pretty-boy arrogance with you.
4. in possession of a nice smile. there are things i can deal with-- awkward movement, lack of rhythm, slightly effeminate affectations...it's all love. one thing, though, that i'm not down with is a man who doesn't know who their dentist is. figure it out. and halitosis is not a terminal sickness. you can cure that shit.
5. not broke. no need to be uncle scrooge and swimming through cash in your personal safe (did anyone else ever think that looked painful?) , but have enough to be comfortable picking up the bill every once in awhile. i don't require especially expensive restaurants with a dude, and i'm happy to cook at home (with you, not just for you), but when we have a nice night out, don't get stuck trying to tabulate your bank balance in your head, asking if i have any cash for the tip.
6. knowledgeable about the hanging of mirrors. i have a mirror that i've needed hung for about 4 months now. glass makes me nervous, so i haven't wanted to chance it with just my google-knowledge. and, unlike my life in cali, there's no home depot around the corner with do-it-herself classes. i need you, man.

there's more, i'm sure, but i need to get dressed for work. so, like p. diddy, i'll be back with number two and a little ginuwine. :)

anyone going to be in san jose in march?

info on the exhibition that will include my LTLYM photo:

The show is called This Show Needs You. All of the art exhibited relies on some kind of collaboration in making the work. The LTLYM project is a wonderful example of such a collaboration and I am very pleased that your work will be included. Other artists in the exhibition include: Linda Montano, Lori Gordon, Michael Smit, the Love Art Lab (Annie Sprinkle and Elizabeth Stephens), and Sara Thacher. The exhibition dates are March 28-May 17, 2008. We will have an opening reception on March 28 from 6 - 8 pm.
***

if you'll be in nor cal near the end of march, i'd love it if you went to see! i might even love you if you were to take a picture of my picture, hanging on a museum wall!

fighting takes too much energy

i spent part of my day yesterday, and too much of my night last night, upset about something. i'm sapped of energy this morning. the conflict was with a person i dated for a long time who broke my heart. it's been six months since i last saw him or heard his voice, and yet we still have things to fight about, apparently, and knowing how little he cares/cared about me still brings tears to my eyes.

you would think (like i have) that we could find a way to (really) forgive each other and move on, but you and i would both be wrong.

also, thanks to sonja for this

link, but what i want to know is, where is my (white) dude? i know that's a controversial statement. granted. but this whole black men thing is getting real difficult when we're outnumbering them 7-to-1 on college campuses in this nation. i think i need to branch out. anybody have suggestions?

me? quirkyalone?

maybe this is the answer to all of my recent angst.

i think, maybe, that the reason this whole simon thing is so hard for me to get over because i am a quirkyalone-- i don't enter relationships just for the sake of being with someone. i so very rarely find people of the opposite sex palatable (i have troubled relationships with men in general-- starting with my father. i just don't often find them tolerable. they can be funny, or attractive, or smart, but rarely do those things come together to create someone i can't get enough of. those people are almost always women.) that finding simon seemed almost too good to be true.

healing is difficult because beyond all of the societal forces working against my ability to find a partner, so is my personality! how do i move on after i found someone i thought couldn't be found to begin with?

the thing about simon is that he's probably as far away from a quirkyalone as is humanly possible-- the man is always with someone. it's probably (scratch that, definitely) not as personal as i feel it to be, but to me, the quirkyalone, moving on immediately means the person before had no significance. that's the only way i can move on quickly, and i don't understand any other way of being.

stumbling across the quirkyalone.net site today was like a huge revelation for me, crazily enough. i think i'd even seen it before, but today it resonated, like oh yeah.

i've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. i met with a chaplain at an episcopal school uptown yesterday and she told me about a curriculum she teaches to eighth graders that is focused on the concept of "gardens of forgiveness." she talked about the reality of forgiveness, and the idea that forgiving someone isn't for the transgessor, but rather for the transgressed. that the pain of being hurt only holds the victim back.

these are things i knew. and i know. but to hear it from someone again brought it back to me. that i have to find a way to forgive him for hurting me if i ever want to stop hurting myself. not sure how to do it yet, because i feel so wronged, but i know it has to happen. i can't help but think that some force out there is trying to get my attention, trying to show me a way out of my sadness. showing me through a random meeting with a chaplain, of all things, who was supposed to be talking to me about a conference proposal, mind you, not forgiveness, that there is a way out. there is a way to let go. a way to be quirkyalone, maybe, or to at least accept my status.

one thing i know doesn't work-- going out with weird, funny-looking people from nerve because they say nice things about me. not it, joy, not it. :)

had a good weekend

lots of terry, lots of sonja, lots of laughs. a little weird boy-drama, but mostly all in good fun. had a little party at my spot, and got reeaaallly drunk. :) don't remember a whole lot of it, but i do know that i was in good company.
things are good. i wish i were able to truly say that i've moved on, that my heart is healed, but i can't, and while this weekend proved that, i am definitely surviving/sobreviviendo. (i like the spanish version of the word survive, "sobrevivir," because it sounds like over-living. like you're not just making it, but doing more than you have to.)
work is good...making chocolate pumpkin pie for a party on thursday, and i'm excited about that. it seems strange sometimes-- i'm not always sure that i have a set direction for what i'm doing-- but i do enjoy my coworkers. i enjoy the feeling of learning, and stretching. it's like my brain is getting a long-needed workout. being surrounded by smart, funny, thoughtful, challenging young women is never a bad thing, either.
not sure where/how to end this post. so i'll just say good night.

p.s. how did this season of "curb your enthusiasm" end with larry david and vivica a. fox hooking up? and does john legend have braces? cuz for a minute during his cameo it seemed like maybe that was the case. and really, why, vivica? why?