in the thick of things

self-motivation is a much larger part of this adult life than i ever expected. i find, more and more, that the only one in my life who can truly and meaningfully challenge me is me.

at work i feel endlessly bored or bogged down by tasks that feel meaningless and unengaging, and it is only over the last few months that i have taken it upon myself to initiate challenges for myself. it's like HS all over again, choosing the honors track instead of regular not because my parents pushed but because i love that feeling of stretching, of growing, of doing something i've never done before, of meeting a tight deadline or accomplishing an impossible task. sometimes i actually think i can feel myself learning something new or lighting upon a new idea and those are the only parts of my day that excite me, minus my students making some meaningful connection or showing their wonderful personalities or being generally lovely. these are the moments i cling to.

this week a small group of teachers on staff at my school had the opportunity to talk to my charter network's founder about sustainability at the school. i was the only one that cited "space for creativity" as an important part of sustaining a teaching practice for many years. i was the only one that expressed a need to diversify her daily experience. i was the only one, the only one, the only one. maybe i'm a diva.

the fear that comes

i'm a little scared. i'm about to help start something big, and it's scary. as the launch of the school i'm helping to start comes closer and closer, i'm starting to feel the high expectations closing in on me...and i'm a little worse for the wear. i'm beginning to splinter and break up, to lash out at people i'd rather keep close, to show my fears through my actions without adding the expression. this is when i need to check myself and pull my bullshit to a full stop. i'm going to focus today on trying to recenter and giving myself a way out, a way back to who I'd like to be.