in the thick of things

self-motivation is a much larger part of this adult life than i ever expected. i find, more and more, that the only one in my life who can truly and meaningfully challenge me is me.

at work i feel endlessly bored or bogged down by tasks that feel meaningless and unengaging, and it is only over the last few months that i have taken it upon myself to initiate challenges for myself. it's like HS all over again, choosing the honors track instead of regular not because my parents pushed but because i love that feeling of stretching, of growing, of doing something i've never done before, of meeting a tight deadline or accomplishing an impossible task. sometimes i actually think i can feel myself learning something new or lighting upon a new idea and those are the only parts of my day that excite me, minus my students making some meaningful connection or showing their wonderful personalities or being generally lovely. these are the moments i cling to.

this week a small group of teachers on staff at my school had the opportunity to talk to my charter network's founder about sustainability at the school. i was the only one that cited "space for creativity" as an important part of sustaining a teaching practice for many years. i was the only one that expressed a need to diversify her daily experience. i was the only one, the only one, the only one. maybe i'm a diva.

i was insulted today

while having a difficult discussion at work.

boy oh boy. i am ready to leave.

"ethnic dress for success tips"

completely idiotic thoughts from my (least) favorite "diversity" website, diversity inc.

for this month's electronic issue, yoji cole, diversity inc's token black guy (this is the site, by the way, that features a "ask the white guy" column), goes to town on giving some suggestions to ethnic women in the workplace on toning down (or up, if they're asian) their looks. some choice "this is how you've been seen "historically" and the only way to get away from that is to assimilate" stereotypes:

"For example, many Latinas prefer bright colors, low-cut tops and short skirts..."

really, now? and do many professional Latinas (who, culturally of course, prefer skimpy clothing) wear those clothes to the office?! because when i think of low-cut tops and short skirts in the workplace i think of samantha on sex and the city or ally mcbeal. last time i checked, they were both white.

"Black women tend to wear big earrings, she notes."

i'm sorry, but WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?! what. the. fuck. i tried to laugh at this shit, but i started to get tears in my eyes. if this is what corporate america thinks "we" need, i need to move to a different fucking universe.

the rest of the article is available here to subscribers.

and if that isn't enough, check out diversity inc's article on "7 things not to say to your LGBT coworkers." this shit is so laughable, i'm surprised they don't list tina fey as a fucking source.

argh.

not sure what to write

as i have the equivalent of three different posts in my head right now, all competing for space. i'm also busy at work right now trying to figure some things out, so i think i'm just going to share some random thoughts after the jump.

one.
there's a pushcart across the street from my job. your usual halal affair, with chicken and onions sputtering on the grill. i stopped for a moment today on my walk by because it seemed the cart was unmanned. then i saw the owner of the cart praying. his own moment of devotion, on the corner of 31st street and 8th avenue. it was beautiful.

two.
i've been reading a lot about rebecca walker's post on huffpo re: feminism(s) lately, and i am attending a women's history conference on black feminism at sarah lawrence this weekend, and both of those things have me thinking about redefining my politics. i feel that as i have distanced myself from the academy i have lost sight of my goalposts, you know? those things that are absolutely necessary for my sanity, those things i'm supposed to be working towards. i hope this weekend will be a moment that will allow me to recenter and refocus on those posts, waaaay at the other end of the field.

three.
i talked and laughed so much this weekend that my throat is an eensy-weensy bit hoarse. that's not a bad thing.

until next time, or until my life slows down a bit...

"diversity training"- what's the point?

so part of my job involves training educators in the use of the curricula created by my org. i travel all over the five boroughs, visiting different afterschool programs that use our stuff. the trainings usually involve some combination of icebreakers, "identity" activities, a pedagogical mini-lesson, and an overview of the structure of the actual curriculum. we call our work "diversity" education, and because we deal with issues of identity, participants generally react to our work as "diversity training."

most of the time, these trainings are not hard. the icebreaker does in fact break the ice; participants have "moments of understanding" around the identity activities, thinking about ways in which they are privileged or not; everyone gets the pedagogy and the structure of the curriculum.

and then there are the other times, when things don't go so well.

how do i judge whether something is a success? to be honest? i only think a training is a success if i have what i feel is evidence of the participants having confronted their privilege.

"okay, so what?" you say. you're shrugging your shoulders right now, i know.

but the "so what" is that i think there's something to be unpacked there. like, why is it that i think forcing people to confront privilege is so necessary in the role that i play? and is that my job? is that my place, to go around asking people to recognize the privilege in their race or class or gender expression? is my need for the validation of their exploration about me or them?

i'm working on a lesson on race for a project right now, and it got me thinking. when we talk about identity, and try to shed a light on the structural nature of social identity, what is our goal? i know that consciousness is the first step towards acting for social change, but somehow i don't think that my job, as described by my boss, is to bring about social change in the lives of afterschool educators. i don't know that the two hours i spend with said educators is really even a viable place or time to undertake such a task. i don't know if i'm even really sufficiently trained to do that.

a few days ago i trained in brooklyn. the student population of the afterschool program is predominantly asian and eastern european. i, the black woman with a big afro, stood in front of a room of 6 white people (one a fairly recent immigrant from italy), and listened while they danced around the identity activity i placed in front of them. when i asked for reactions to the exercise, three of the six people stated that they were annoyed by the exercise, because "none of these things {race, class, gender, sexual orientation, religious affiliation, ability, first language, biological sex, the list goes on...} really matter. i'm just a person. if anything, i see myself as american."

two of the other people stated that it was interesting, because the only thing on there that they ever thought about was age. one, the italian immigrant, said first language was important to her, because she only recently became comfortable with english and is "really glad it is now her first language." this came after a few of her peers spoke about the fact that they never think about first language, because english is so easy! it just rolls off the tongue!

so i tried to unpack, to push. i really did. but no one wanted to go anywhere. anytime i started to talk about privilege, eyes started to wander and doodling commenced. it was really frustrating.

and that, i guess, is why i wonder if it's my place to struggle against all of this at all. if i want to keep my job, at least. because at the end of the day, if the evaluations aren't great, i hear about it. if people feel bullied, or bad about themselves, at the end of the time they spend with me, i haven't "done my job."

it makes me wonder about the role of diversity training, and the end goal. sometimes it seems that making people feel better about themselves while giving them a chance to feel better about the "strange" people around them, is the only real goal.

argh. this is so not my thing.

conscious women rock the page!

that's the name of the curriculum i've been spending so much time on for the last few months! we are winding down the production process, and the curriculum is going to come out in march.

---
2008 ~ Year of the Hip-Hop Woman!

Coming March '08
Conscious Women Rock the Page:
Using Hip-Hop Fiction to Incite Social Change
A one-of-a-kind curriculum

by: JLove, Black Artemis, E-Fierce and Marcella Runell Hall
---

check out the writers' websites for more information on their work. they are an incredible group of women doing good things for the world!

computer burn

finished formatting curriculum, and my eyes feel like they're going to fall out of my head. cannot wait to finish editing and spot-checking...so i can go home and clean the bathroom?

i can't believe this is my "grown and sexy" life...

behind

i've had an intensely busy few weeks and i feel behind. like there are emails to be answered, calls to be made, plans to be brainstormed, ideas to be caught on paper.

and it all keeps flying by, without me.

tonight is supposed to be catch-up night- writing back the nice people that wrote me congratulatory emails last week; calling the friends i have communicated with solely through text messaging, facebook, and emails for the last two weeks; fleshing out some/any(!) of the crazy ideas i've had over the last few weeks, scribbled here and there and on this blog; writing and addressing thank you notes to people who have taken time out of their schedules to hear my words.

but all i want to do is sit on the couch, drink some wine and watch pbs.

i need some inspiration. so, to lucille clifton i go:

you come to teach
and to learn

you do not know
anothers lesson

pay attention to
what sits inside yourself
and watches you

you may sometime discover
which when
which which
*

which when, which which. these are the questions i ask. now to pay attention.

the practice

what does it mean to do "good work"? when is our work just what it is? when can we be satisfied with our practice as educators?

these are questions that i ask myself constantly, trying my best to chart the right path. i'm smack dab in the middle of my twenties and i am still unsure of direction. sometimes i think things are taking shape, but then i lose focus and things blur. it's hard.

i have a funky idea knocking about in my head. i'm just wrapping the hip-hop curriculum now, and i'm thinking that i'd like to start my own project next. maybe something to do with bringing black (or third world/us?) feminist literature/work/artistry to the K-12 classroom? ways to bring all the great literature and ideas to which we are so often not exposed until college into middle school and high school? not sure what it would look like, but i'm kind of obsessed with the idea. maybe a collection of reflections of teachers (male and female, of-color and not) who have tried to push students to confront white supremacist capitalist patriarchy in the classroom using the work of women of color, a la rethinking schools?

dunno, dunno, dunno. but if you read this and think you might be interested, holler back.

a quote from michelle obama (god, she's smart):

“I realized that gnawing sense of self doubt that lies within all of us is within our own heads. The truth is we are more ready and more prepared than we even know. My own life is proof of that.”

well this sucks

one of the few perks of my promotion here at work is a move to a window office and a nicer, bigger monitor.

downsides:

• the new desk faces away from the door, which means anyone entering can see my screen, which means i can't blog without detection anymore
• the new monitor is huMONgo, and anyone entering from behind me can read what i'm writing tres clearly, which means i can't blog without detection anymore.

damn, i guess i'll actually start to have to get some work done.

life just keeps getting better

lots of good surprises this week, the most recent of which came today.

i find myself constantly trying to balance my fear (of new things, of failure, of rejection, of misunderstanding, of mistakes) with the draw of the new, exciting opportunities that present themselves (almost) every day. it's a constant me vs. fear battle, and i let fear win far too often.

here's to taking more chances, and being willing to challenge my fears.




(maybe it'll even pay off.)

sometimes the wonderfulness of friends astounds me

i feel so lucky to have my friends sometimes. today one of my older, wiser friends and i had a chat. nothing too intense-- she set me up to visit a school and then we rode the train downtown together from 231st street up in the bronx. we were interrupted by calls to our cells and random silences. nothing special, yet the insights i gained from her are infinitely valuable. i trust her opinion, and it wasn't until i was sitting next to her in her car this morning that i realized i had so much to ask.

i don't know what i would do without friends like her. and i'm grateful to my time in new york if only because my first job here gifted me my relationship with her and with another friend, chris. having women whose footsteps are just the right size and shape for you to follow is really nice. and to have role models that aren't so far away as to be inaccessible is what my mother would call a blessing.

feeling thankful.

starting over (again)

maybe moving back into the school environment in the fall! big step to take a year after i left, no? i'm thinking so too. so i'm going to think about this one carefully.

i want to take this slowly and to make my next step deliberately.

i can't be open here for a variety of reasons, but hit me up if you know me and wanna know more. this should be interesting.

sexism @ work

The quietly pacifist peaceful
always die
to make room for men
who shout.
- alice walker

I'm not exactly dying, but I am feeling the push to make room for a man who shouts at work. I think that I am drawn to female-led workplaces because I am very sensitive to the propensity for men, regardless of their political leanings, their race or their sexuality, to be fully, ragingly sexist in their dealings with women around them. As a teacher I feel that I worked more for my students than anyone else, and little (or big) boy- and girl-sexists didn't make me feel quite as defeated (being absolutely in charge over them helped too).
Now in the adult workplace, I am lucky to be surrounded, for the most part, by really chill guys who have their heads on straight. Respectful, thoughtful, open, and mentally present to the negative effects of white supremacy and patriarchy.
One man, though, is different. He is, somewhat unfortunately, African American and old enough to be my father, unfortunately because I think it is those aspects of his identity that cause our coworkers to expect the two of us to have an affinity. We get along as individuals, but within the workplace he has a sense of superiority and a desire to be in control that is frustrating. I, being the person who believes in bottom-up, collective decision-making and watching out for those below you as a way of watching out for yourself, find myself being trampled by his shouting. I don't know that the way he treats me is based in sexism exclusively-- he treats the men that are, in his mind, "below" him in the workplace in a very similar way. I, though, am not below him, and I do think there's something about my womanness that makes him feel that he can push me around in spite of our supposed equality.
Next stop on the self-development express: speaking up for myself horizontally, not just vertically. Not letting someone else make my job miserable or uncomfortable.

This mid-twenties thing really fucking sucks.

shh, don't tell

i know a blog is not a good place to share top-secret information, so i won't share it (all) here.

but i will say that sticking up for yourself sometimes brings its own (somewhat flawed) rewards. come february first, my job will be a little different. not necessarily better, but different. you could say my talk with the boss worked, or you could say i've dug a bigger hole for myself. we will see when i can explain the whole thing here, for real.

new workplace procastination obsession

muse magazine

mentally fatigued

i've spent the last week and a half working really hard. my coworker kinneret and i have been editing/revising/rewriting a conflict resolution curriculum nonstop, and we were starting to go a little crazy. the project wrapped up around 2, and i've been useless ever since.
this job...kind of sucks. i was working on christmas morning. i was working on christmas eve.
it's time for me to hit the lists.
i was on idealist just now and started to try and remember the last time i was actually really happy with the way my life was going. i realized that it was probably 2 years ago. before pam left new york, before i stopped loving teaching, while i was happily single and dating. that was a loooong time ago.
i need to claw my way out of this rut.

back in the hood

being back in the city is niiiiiiice. I always miss this place, as stressful and annoying as it can be. going back home this weekend solidified the fact that i don't really know when i'll be leaving. i become more and more uncertain about moving away each day that i stay.
i'm working on figuring out my side hustle right now, which is how i know i'm actually becoming a new yorker. i need a little something on the side to up the dinero aspect of my life. money is too short. gotta hustle. so i'm looking for some part-time stuff related to teaching. any ideas, my friends?
keep your eyes on the idealist lists for me, yes?
muchas gracias!

upgrade you

gotta love that beyonce jam. the upgrade chain in the mouth is a little nasty, but hey, why can't a girl have a little fun, right?

my boss asked me today what my top three personal goals are for the next two years. she wants to be my fairy boss and grant me three professional wishes (and thereby keep me from running off to grad school/back to the classroom/off to a position that actually pays). that, of course, made me think. what are my top three personal/professional goals for the next two years? what would i really like to accomplish?

1. publishing something would be nice, i think. a book with my name on it, and learning how to do some press for such a book would be ideal.
2. honing my management skills, and adding a major management project to my resume. not sure what the project would be, but i really want something that proves that i know how to manage people and not just information.
3. #3 is up in the air, folks, and baffling me just a little. any suggestions?

gift for the 4th (i open them before i go to bed because i am a 5 year old in a mid-twenties, quickly widening body ;)): two pairs of socks. cute. striped. but still not an ipod. :(

i don't know how they do it

teaching little kids seems reeeaaaalllly difficult. i'm in charge of writing a curriculum/workbook for K-4, and i'm feeling at a loss. I have no memory of my elementary school years, and I didn't even GO to second grade. I have no sense of what kids (can) learn at that age, and as the biggest critic of the curriculum that we're scratching, i need this to actually be good.

oh, career challenges.