a history poem

this is not nearly as meaningful/heartfelt as it seems. i was just moved to write because i'm starting to realize how long i've been here, and how many love misadventures i've been through- crazy!

i've been kissed here before

he kissed me tonight
in a place i've been kissed before.
this time
there were no
fireworks.
no tingle in my belly,
no disbelief in the giddy
happiness
imparted.
there was, though,
a bittersweet memory of
you
and the milk-chocolate-sweet
beginning of
us--
that first bright sunny kiss
at astor square.

he brushed his shoulders off

yes, it's everywhere already. now it's here too. as dnA said, "gullyness at 2:20":

because i am a reader,

i spend money on subscriptions to literary journals. go figure.

i received my first issue of callaloo today, and i am ultra ready to read. ultra. ready. i may have to go to the park (ultimate reading venue) for this one.

oh my god i LOVE this!!!!

Hollaback NYC!

spring fling

i am interested in someone new, and i can't believe how strange it is. you know, to actually consider someone potentially trustworthy enough to have doings with my heart. you, my dear readers, probably know more about the depth of my heartache post-my last relationship than i do, and, if you recall, a heartbroken havestrength isn't much of a havestrength at all.
(more after the link)

this new person, though, feels good. and gentle. and kind. and smart. but not so good, gentle, or kind that he doesn't challenge me. i bullshitted my way into a corner tonight, and am now going to have to prove my way out of it with facts. bo-ring, right? but no, not really. there's a lot about him that makes sense, but that doesn't change the fact that i'm scared, and probably will be for awhile. in the meantime i will try to have some fun.

i'm headed to the apollo tomorrow morning, so i need to get to bed. g'night. :)

VDay/ my sister is fucking awesome

i got one valentine's gift today, and i have to say that it's better and more unexpected than any other gift i've received.

a little background: i, being a complete and utter idiot, managed to deafen myself early last fall by misusing q-tips. i had a wax blockage, people! i couldn't hear! i had to go to the clinic and the doctor banned me from using q-tips ever again! pathetic, yes?

anyway, now you will understand my awesome gift...

siblings rock. :) happy valentine's day, my friends.

behind

i've had an intensely busy few weeks and i feel behind. like there are emails to be answered, calls to be made, plans to be brainstormed, ideas to be caught on paper.

and it all keeps flying by, without me.

tonight is supposed to be catch-up night- writing back the nice people that wrote me congratulatory emails last week; calling the friends i have communicated with solely through text messaging, facebook, and emails for the last two weeks; fleshing out some/any(!) of the crazy ideas i've had over the last few weeks, scribbled here and there and on this blog; writing and addressing thank you notes to people who have taken time out of their schedules to hear my words.

but all i want to do is sit on the couch, drink some wine and watch pbs.

i need some inspiration. so, to lucille clifton i go:

you come to teach
and to learn

you do not know
anothers lesson

pay attention to
what sits inside yourself
and watches you

you may sometime discover
which when
which which
*

which when, which which. these are the questions i ask. now to pay attention.

i need a man, part 2

i thought long and hard, and realized that everything else i need from a man is conditional on the specific person, time of my life, and city in which i reside, so i'll just leave with you a little crooning from america's least favorite hip-hop artist, p. diddy** (is that even still his "name"?).




**correction: after 50 cent's comments on obama, he and p. diddy may find themselves in a dead heat for last place...

i need a man, part 1

so do you remember this blast from the past? p. diddy and usher sharing a laundry list of the things their "girl"s needed to be in order to make them happy? well i think it's time we ladies made a laundry list of our own.
i had two somewhat disturbing conversations this weekend with female friends who have decided that much of the abhorrent behavior displayed by men is "to be expected." you know, things like lying and cheating, using women for their bodies, being arrogant and selfish, needing the women in their lives to pretend to be weak in order to highlight their "manliness." i have trouble with that notion. i don't know why i would be interested in settling for a partner (for life or for a week) who isn't interested in doing the sort of self-maintenance (mentally and emotionally) that i do. i don't expect anything from a man that i don't also expect from myself. so this morning, i've decided to make my "i need a man" list.
(funnily enough, my dad told me to make a list like this a long time ago and i thought the idea was crazy. silly me. dave is no fool.)

be this, or be gone list

1. honest. and by honest i don't mean just when it suits you. i mean respect and love me enough to tell me the truth, even when the truth is not about you being disappointed in me, but rather you being disappointed in yourself.
2. able to admit that you're wrong. this is actually a challenge for me. it's something i work on, and something that most of my friends struggle with as well (ahem, friend-of-mine out there! mark-paul gosselaar??). it's natural to want to be right, but sometimes in a relationship your partner needs to hear that you know what you did was wrong and that you'll work on it.
3. well-groomed. and by that i don't mean that you have to get man manicures. but please wear a decent pair of jeans, a matching shirt, and have a pair of cute shoes. i like a man that looks and smells good. just don't bring the pretty-boy arrogance with you.
4. in possession of a nice smile. there are things i can deal with-- awkward movement, lack of rhythm, slightly effeminate affectations...it's all love. one thing, though, that i'm not down with is a man who doesn't know who their dentist is. figure it out. and halitosis is not a terminal sickness. you can cure that shit.
5. not broke. no need to be uncle scrooge and swimming through cash in your personal safe (did anyone else ever think that looked painful?) , but have enough to be comfortable picking up the bill every once in awhile. i don't require especially expensive restaurants with a dude, and i'm happy to cook at home (with you, not just for you), but when we have a nice night out, don't get stuck trying to tabulate your bank balance in your head, asking if i have any cash for the tip.
6. knowledgeable about the hanging of mirrors. i have a mirror that i've needed hung for about 4 months now. glass makes me nervous, so i haven't wanted to chance it with just my google-knowledge. and, unlike my life in cali, there's no home depot around the corner with do-it-herself classes. i need you, man.

there's more, i'm sure, but i need to get dressed for work. so, like p. diddy, i'll be back with number two and a little ginuwine. :)

how do you say "skin" in science again?

oh yeah, yeah! epidermis.

well today i made my first trip to the dermatologist, ever. funnily enough, i actually used to work at a dermatologist's office back in high school (at the height of my acne challenges), but i was one of those feminist grrrls that didn't know they were feminist at the time but still managed to ignore most of society's misogynistic messages about who girls should be, how they should want to look, and what makes a girl "worthy." so even though i worked in a superstar miami dermatologist's office, where the dr. was actually featured on the news every week to give skin advice and star's relatives came in for botox (while still in high school!), i refused to take any of the free/discounted treatments i was offered. i figured that the world should have loved me simply because i was a nice person, had lots of extracurriculars, volunteered, never had sex, and scored really high on the SAT. what are a few pimples and acne scars in the face of all that, right?

um...a deal breaker basically. :) so 7 years later, here i am. going to the epidermis doctor to see what we can do about making me the clear-skinned fabulosity my fellow receptionist at dr. c's always hoped i would be.

she was cool! and black! and young! and totally got my concerns! i've never been huge on requiring that my doctors share my race, but i have to say that working with a black dermatologist made me feel comfortable in her suggestions for treatment. she gets what's going on, and knows how to help.

cool!

if you're looking for a black dermatologist in new york, check out dr. jamal. you'll be glad you did...

welcome to the good life

that kanye jam has been in my head all day, for good reason. kinda like nsekuye, i'm feeling really good about the coming months. i don't know what it is- maybe the new sense of career direction, or the newly reacquired belief in myself, or this incredible feeling of my world expanding in all of the right ways...i don't know.
what i do know, though, is that the next year should be challenging, rewarding, and full of good hard work. all those things i love so much.

anyone going to be in san jose in march?

info on the exhibition that will include my LTLYM photo:

The show is called This Show Needs You. All of the art exhibited relies on some kind of collaboration in making the work. The LTLYM project is a wonderful example of such a collaboration and I am very pleased that your work will be included. Other artists in the exhibition include: Linda Montano, Lori Gordon, Michael Smit, the Love Art Lab (Annie Sprinkle and Elizabeth Stephens), and Sara Thacher. The exhibition dates are March 28-May 17, 2008. We will have an opening reception on March 28 from 6 - 8 pm.
***

if you'll be in nor cal near the end of march, i'd love it if you went to see! i might even love you if you were to take a picture of my picture, hanging on a museum wall!

great breakup song i'm finding six months too late

chrisette michele, "be ok."

oops.

1st saturdays, the caribbean, spoken word

saw suheir hammad at the brooklyn museum last night. she was amazing. she makes quite a case for hybrid identities and the power they can impart to one's consciousness. we are all hybrids in a way, i guess, but some people can express the fuck out of the crossroads they are built upon.
leila buck also read a really interesting excerpt from her new play, "in the crossing."
what was really interesting was being there with my two younger sisters and two friends from work. i work at a non-sectarian non-profit that was founded in the name of a rabbi. many/most of the higher-ups at the org are very pro-israel, and more specifically very pro-jew. they bring israel into every conversation possible. now my coworkers don't necessarily have the same outlook, but to be anti-israel and to express your viewpoints in that space would definitely be a nasty trap.
these writers are pretty anti-israel. one is palestinian, one is lebanese. the discomfort on our row was palpable even after the four disruptive little boys a row ahead of us were carted away by their mom.
interesting.

suheir's performance touched me in some incredible way. there's something about poetry that holds on to me and won't let go, something i can't quite define. i think it's the condensation of experiences, feelings and thoughts, all into a few words, you know? like it packs a freaking punch.


this video also includes a bit by black ice. suheir starts around 3:30.

the museum's contemporary caribbean art exhibit was AMAZING. there was so much to think about, packed into these three rooms. i'm going to have to return one day, alone, and do some more quiet thinking.

the other thing that made me happy about first saturdays was that it reminded me of all the connections i've made to this city in the last almost-three years. i ran into four people from different parts of my life there, and they reconnected me to who i am, and who i want to be. i love being connected to people, making friends. time to get out and do more of it.

plans for engagement this winter:

• joining an NYCoRE ItAG group on paulo freire and augusto boals
• joining the planet fitness that is going to open on 125th and lenox--membership will be just $19/month! (it won't break my new year's resolution bank, either :))
• well, that's all i have for now. but i think they're good starts, right? ;)
  

what a way to start the new year

new year. what does it mean?

1. latoya over at racialicious linked to this article, "make a list you can't miss," and my list of ways to improve/organize my financial life is well on its way.
2. i called the ex and squashed the nasty non-thing that has cropped up between us over the last six months. or at least i squashed it for me. i apologized for ugly things i've said and done, and secured a "virtual handshake," and i for one feel much, much better. i think my forgiveness process has come to an end, and just in time for the new year.
3. a healthier me. i'm committed to being a healthier me this year, incorporating good food and exercise all the time, not just when i think my ass has gotten too big (though the ass is shrinking at a good rate right now, thanks very much).
4. feeling good about myself is at a high priority this year. that means dressing well and thinking even weller (;)) about who i am and how i look. it means seeking out opportunities to make me proud of myself. 2007 was a little lacking in that department.

i would love to sit down at this computer at this time next year feeling strong and uncompromised. i would love to take stock of the coming 12 months and think about how positive they were-- that i did good things for myself and others. it feels good to have a challenge. :)

p.s.! one last thing! i am going to go to nicaragua to visit my friend bk-j! i need to make it happen.

"has someone lost a little weight?"

that's the question i got from my coworker mark this morning. looks like watching my food intake and the leg lifts and crunches i've been doing as of late are working their magic.

whoo hoo.