i was going to write a post about tortilla chips

but when i called my mom to tell her how good my homemade tortilla chips are, she told me that she just got a call telling her that my 13 year old cousin william passed away this morning. he'd been struggling with leukemia for about a year.

somehow my formerly delicious chips have lost their flavor.

goodbye william. i miss you.

i think i'm learning

so i've been shying away from considering the potential of a committed relationship with the man i've been seeing for the past few months. i make lots of excuses- oh, he's too young, he's an actor and doesn't know what he wants, what if end up hurting him?
in the end, i know the real reason i push away conversation of relationships is the way i allowed my last one to end- with my heart and my sense of self crushed and run through a freaking blender. if i weren't such a coward i probably would have tried to end my life (stupid, right?). it really fucked me up. i had nothing left, or so i thought. i acted out, said/emailed/blogged a bunch of cruel things between bouts of drunkenness and binge eating that i thought might make me feel better, and nothing really worked. i basically became a functional alcoholic, and ate myself into 20 added pounds. i guess i was trying to end my life the cowardly way, from the inside out. i thank a divine being and my family and friends for helping me snap out of it, but the emotional scars remain.
i was confronted on facebook today by pictures of my ex and his girlfriend, who seem much happier than i ever felt dating him. i, as "over it" as i am, felt some tears welling up. over that relationship that ended so long ago. over seeing him with a girl i've known he's been dating since, oh, probably a month after we broke up, which is just about a year ago now. not a new idea.
then, as i'm starting to sink into my self-pitying, "no one will ever fit me like that again" abyss, i hear my ringtone through the drone of chrisette michele on my ipod earbuds (god, that's like a bad line out of a "chicken soup for the soul" memoir). who is it? the new boy. the one i spend so much time not considering as a viable love option. the one i make excuses about. he's calling to ask how my day was, to tell me how much he enjoyed our walk yesterday, how an agent thought his headshots are great and will be sending him out to auditions post-haste. if only i believed in signs...

it was like i never left

it has been another busy day, and it continues, but i have to quickly take a moment to thank whoever it is that puts us on this earth for allowing me to find my calling in the classroom. i saw my children today and it was like i never left. i sometimes have to remind myself that some of the most profound connections i have had with people were found in a classroom, and that there are very few things that mean more to me than my children. sometimes i forget what it means to love them, and how it feels to receive that love in return, and what my purpose in life is. i forget, but then i see terrell and ruthie and navaskia and the kevins and cliffannie and alexis and they ask me to return, to come to their houses, to hear about their mom and how she lost her job or how grandma is sick and i remember that my calling is to serve them. and i realize that returning to the classroom next year is absolutely the right decision. slowly but surely it all becomes clear.

i think i'm going to have to do this better justice tomorrow

but tonight i'm going to share with you some of these unformed thoughts that i've scribbled in the margins of this week's new york magazine article on hillary and barack. i saw chimamanda adichie again tonight, and spoke to her (somewhat gushing- and embarrassingly), and i thought i'd be able to focus on something else on the way home but i just couldn't. tomorrow i swear i am going to make this better (and actually coherent), but for now, a few key points...

an open letter to cnadichie:

dear chimamanda,

• the way you graciously ignored my insanity tonight was truly touching. i know i kinda-sorta had tears in my eyes when i tapped you on the shoulder and babbled incomprehensible nonsense about your writing, and that those tear-filled eyes widened perceptibly when you asked my name and complimented my hair, and that all of those things combined must have struck fear into your heart. but this gift you have, this gift of words, is amazing to me. i envy it. and i'm so glad that it is yours, because i think you use it with a wisdom that eludes many in this world to whom is given much power.
• "my american jon," like half of a yellow sun and purple hibiscus before it, scares me because your sentences are my thoughts, my feelings, my heart on paper, expressed more eloquently that i ever could. between you and zadie smith i feel like my deepest feelings, the good, the bad and the ugly, have finally been expressed and restored to me and all of the beautiful women out there like me the power that has been stripped from us by the myriad negative forces out there in our world. you speak back! and your speech is all that i need it to be, and more.
• finally i have to say that i will be back tomorrow to try and make this sound less crazy and more casually admiring. you know, just in case you happen to google yourself tonight and find this. because i know if i were you i'd be googling myself constantly.
  

cool video TOTES ripped from gawker

1. daniel day lewis' tear-jerking dedication of his SAG best actor award to heath ledger:
   

2. "the root" is apparently a site connected to both the washington post and henry louis gates' pbs special, "african american lives 2," that will be airing on PBS in february. if these clips are any indication, i'm probably going to need to invest in the DVDs for my next teaching job:
   don cheadle finds out his ancestors were owned by the chicasaw.
   oh boy, does this make me wonder. there is definitely some choctaw on my dad's side (which is where my family says i get my now-considered-beautiful curls (they were a little late on the memo)), and now don's story is making me think our relationship to my ancestors may not have been what i assumed it was...
   HLG! Research me!