dream

my mom told me today that she had a dream about me a few weeks ago. in the dream, i told her that i had things to tell her about my ex and the way he treated me, and that things were much worse than i ever wanted to say. before i told her, though, i said i needed to get on the subway. "it was so weird, because i remember you saying, 'i've gotta go, but one day i'll tell you the truth, mommy,'" she said.

i rushed to assure her that there is nothing to tell, that it was no big deal, but he and i both know that's not quite true. i will never tell my mother any of the truth because neither of us, nor our selfish, self-absorbed, nasty actions have ever been/will ever be worth my mother's tears. her question did make me realize, though, that another relationship like that one is completely unacceptable. and it takes the sheen off of the relationship i so like to romanticize in my memory.

well sL, if you read this, my mom wants you to know she's praying for you. i was supposed to tell you that next time i see you on the train, but i think we'd both prefer it this way.

fighting takes too much energy

i spent part of my day yesterday, and too much of my night last night, upset about something. i'm sapped of energy this morning. the conflict was with a person i dated for a long time who broke my heart. it's been six months since i last saw him or heard his voice, and yet we still have things to fight about, apparently, and knowing how little he cares/cared about me still brings tears to my eyes.

you would think (like i have) that we could find a way to (really) forgive each other and move on, but you and i would both be wrong.

reclaim my game

so i'm feeling somewhat disoriented as of late. i'm no longer totally heartbroken (the crying only happens every once in awhile, when my mind happens across something that it shouldn't), but somehow i just haven't gotten back to the way i used to feel. back when i met him.

the confidence i had about myself and my worth and my appeal went missing in the midst of the worse with him, and i have yet to locate it and bring it back. i'm trying. i am. i'm trying not to go out looking busted, i'm trying to think about the way i react to people, i'm trying to be open. i'm making new friendships and new connections, working hard, and trying to be reflective. i think i'm doing what i can.

the difference between now and before, though, is that i always feel unsure. i've lost my key to my self-worth. i gave it to him. i let him have control over how i felt about myself. he doesn't want it. he never did. but somehow i think i've let him hold on to it. now i realize it's time to go out dorothy-style and find the wizard to get a ride back home to kansas.

where's toto when you need him?

clean slate

i erased every email he ever sent me last night. this morning, i'm feeling relieved but scared, hesitant because this means i am really starting over. it means i'm actually going to end up having to try the whole love thing again, eventually, and that freaks me out.

salt

he is as salt
to her,
a strange sweet
a peculiar money
precious and valuable
only to her tribe,
and she is salt
to him,
something that rubs raw
that leaves a tearful taste
but what he will
strain the ocean for and
what he needs.

~lucille clifton

california

if i was going to break up with him, this morning was the moment. come this afternoon, i was back in his arms, smiling and laughing, feeling on top of the world because the email i thought he sent to her talking about me was from her to him, and he didnt answer it. and he didnt call her. and she google chatted him and he made her wait. he made her wait until we were done, 'til he said goodbye to me, 'til he burned my cd, 'til he showed me he loved me. 7 days together. all wonderful. if only, if only, things were different, and he was in a different place, and i weren't leaving, and he had a little more space from her. if only.

i'm glad we took the trip. it reaffirmed my belief in our ability to be wonderful together. we can be wonderful together. it will just take time.