you didn't really want to know this, but

the last time i was in california i was with him. we flew into LAX, just like i did last night. we drove the same stretches of road.

just those facts were enough to have me crying in the shower this morning.** to wake me up with bad dreams of missing him, of wanting him back, last night.

when will it ever end, i ask.


**fuck it, i'll be honest. i'm crying right fucking now. i can't stop fucking crying.
someone is going to have to fucking pay me to trust a man again. it just ain't happenin' of its own accord.

visiting L.A. is dangerous

cuz the minute the plane touches the runway, i miss the houses, the trees, the freeways, the smog. i miss the friends i left behind. i miss the music, the food, the atmosphere.

i don't miss the loneliness i felt most of the time, or the traffic, but there's something about LA that does call my name. hence the danger. new york is good enough for me when i'm there, and most places don't lull me away, but wow. LA.

i'm planning on returning to new york. will that really happen? physically, yes. probably. mentally? maybe not.