tranquility

there's something about the first few nights at home after time away that are just restful. truly tranquil. sometimes i get overwhelmed by how much i don't know about the world; how many movies i haven't seen; all of the books, magazines, and newspaper articles i haven't read. then i come home and sit on the couch, pull bertha, my laptop, onto my lap, and chill out.

i like home

california

if i was going to break up with him, this morning was the moment. come this afternoon, i was back in his arms, smiling and laughing, feeling on top of the world because the email i thought he sent to her talking about me was from her to him, and he didnt answer it. and he didnt call her. and she google chatted him and he made her wait. he made her wait until we were done, 'til he said goodbye to me, 'til he burned my cd, 'til he showed me he loved me. 7 days together. all wonderful. if only, if only, things were different, and he was in a different place, and i weren't leaving, and he had a little more space from her. if only.

i'm glad we took the trip. it reaffirmed my belief in our ability to be wonderful together. we can be wonderful together. it will just take time.

love is elusive

what is it to be in love with someone? to be "in love" as opposed to just loving? to love someone enough to change your ways for them?
i might need to relearn how to be by myself. thinking about being without simon, the man that i love, scares me. and that's scary. being happy with me, being happy alone, doing things by myself, is important because i now know without a doubt that i'm not the most important person in his life, though he may be that in mine. therefore, i can't let myself get carried away with dependence; i need to break ties and let my old self-awareness come back.

sonja and jacque will be here soon enough. terry and jaclyn are here. all i need is myself.







"i said, larry will you make a toast? and someone said, 'larry went home to take a shit!'"
i love curb your enthusiasm