dream

my mom told me today that she had a dream about me a few weeks ago. in the dream, i told her that i had things to tell her about my ex and the way he treated me, and that things were much worse than i ever wanted to say. before i told her, though, i said i needed to get on the subway. "it was so weird, because i remember you saying, 'i've gotta go, but one day i'll tell you the truth, mommy,'" she said.

i rushed to assure her that there is nothing to tell, that it was no big deal, but he and i both know that's not quite true. i will never tell my mother any of the truth because neither of us, nor our selfish, self-absorbed, nasty actions have ever been/will ever be worth my mother's tears. her question did make me realize, though, that another relationship like that one is completely unacceptable. and it takes the sheen off of the relationship i so like to romanticize in my memory.

well sL, if you read this, my mom wants you to know she's praying for you. i was supposed to tell you that next time i see you on the train, but i think we'd both prefer it this way.