salt

he is as salt
to her,
a strange sweet
a peculiar money
precious and valuable
only to her tribe,
and she is salt
to him,
something that rubs raw
that leaves a tearful taste
but what he will
strain the ocean for and
what he needs.

~lucille clifton

flying solo. for real.

so i knew i'd have to end it eventually. i even knew that it would have to be soon. i didn't know, though, that it would be this morning. that i would do it between brushing my teeth and putting on my socks, that it would make me feel relieved and miserable all at once, all together. i didn't know that it would make me feel like i lost my only friend. i didn't know that i wouldn't want to meet anyone else. i didn't know that i wouldn't even want to be me.

now i have to pull it together for a day of teaching and a night of interviewing. i have to pull it together. i did the crying already, or so i thought. but when i heard his voice just now it all fell apart.

i could have, would have, truly loved that man.

same fight, same story

still not really telling the truth. still. 8 months later. still. this relationship really isn't good for me anymore, is it? but it's one of my supports in this city. what would i do without it? time to start thinking about alternatives...

1. drinking with my roommate, rachel?
2. clubbing with terry?
3. communing with myself?
4. traveling...to DC? to Boston

we will see...

resumen

in my spanish class in 7th grade, we had to give a resumen every friday that we had memorized, covering the events of the week. that shit was HARD, and i was never a public speaker (i'm the kid whose mom forced her to run for treasurer in 4th grade and was then too scared to be able to read her speech out loud). i know that it's 6.20 am, i know that i should be writing vocab quizzes for my class today, BUT i want to talk about my week. so i will. and of course, it's "my week in terms of simon," because, when isn't it?

sunday: chill day, then THE ROOTS and LUPE FIASO at the nokia....AWESOME!
monday: can't remember monday either.
tuesday: he came over. we chilled, watched australia's next top model. i slipped into a major depressive funk, which concerns me. i think i may be on my way to another breakdown, and i can't tell if simon is helping stay out of it, or helping me jump in...
wednesday: 5C happy hour. i guess, according to him, i was drunk, which made me horny, excited and bitchy? i'll admit the horny and excited parts. the bitchy i don't remember but i'm okay with, because he was an ass last week.
thursday: went over to his place to work. he only got one email from his ex. i'm still waiting to hear what his plans are with her for this weekend, because that's OBVIOUSLY going to happen...i'm just hoping he won't do anything stupid.
friday: girls' night out with jaclyn. fun, fun! checking out val's exhibition and then dinner. i'm excited for some one-on-one time with a person that i don't also have sex with. we never fight. :)
saturday: st. paddy's day parade with an old miami pal. we'll see how that goes...

i need a massage

I NEED A MASSAGE.

i also want to open my own fairly priced yoga studio in harlem. on 117th and frederick douglass, next to tribal spears. classes wouldn't cost more than 7 bucks. teachers would show up on time and consistently for classes. i'd play the roots in the waiting room; bebel gilberto in the classrooms.

it would be beautiful.

my stomach hurts.

what about not emailing your ex constantly doesn't make sense? what about learning to move on/making new friends? isn't that considered healthy? isn't that what's supposed to happen? even if you stay friends, aren't you supposed learn to be friends in a completely different way? aren't you supposed to change the dynamic, and to stop depending on the other person for all of your emotional support? aren't you supposed to get a life?

aren't you supposed to leave him for me?

we cheat at love, and we drink it up

i ask, "am i easily replaceable?"
he says, "no"
and i think, "i don't love myself enough to love you without validation"
and i wonder how long it will take me to learn that i am enough by myself, on my own.

maybe publishing a zine

with simon, focused on harlem-based artists and writers. hot, right?

for now, though, i need to eat.

the saga continues

i broke up with him yesterday, and then unbroke up with him today. stupid, stupid me. i'm getting played, but at least i'm aware of it, and i know that being stupid is my decision. i know that i'm asking for this. i know that i'm being taken advantage of by a crazy man that doesn't love me as much as he should. i know all of these things. i want companionship badly enough to accept it and be okay with it.

the end. for now.

so it's over

and i'm half-sad and half-relieved.


i'll be okay eventually.

i'm not sure if it bothers me, but it might,

so i came home to be alone. to figure it out. to avoid a fight, if possible. to remember that sometimes it's my problem. to think about whether it's worth it. to wonder how much more i can take. to reflect on whether or not i'm searching for these problems. to think about how angry i'll be if he's made (what i consider to be) another asinine, obnoxious, disrespectful decision. to think about how relieved i'll be if he hasn't.

new solution to an old problem? maybe. i hope so.

things are getting better

i'm getting a hold on my classroom, i'm getting a hold on my students, i'm regaining a hold on my boyfriend as I get a hold on my jealousy.

the month of february started out horribly, but has unraveled into one of the best months i've had in awhile. and, surprisingly, the trip to CA that was supposed to signal our end might have saved us.