settling in

it's nice to feel that i don't have to always feel cramped within my feelings for him. nice to feel that caring about him doesn't always have to be coupled with feelings of jealousy and hurt. caring about him can just be positive and good. and as long as i keep my distance and see only what there is to see, as less than a touchy girlfriend, i can determine truth.

truth is good.

my nightly "i miss my ex" post

i miss my ex. the only nights i don't blog about missing him are the ones on which i cheat and talk to him. how am i supposed to lose one of my best friends overnight? so i tell him what's going on. i tell him what i did today, i tell him how i'm feeling. he tells me what he's working on, i give him suggestions. we talk about what went wrong with us. we talk about what moving on means. we talk about the amazingness of the way we connected, and how much of a tragedy it is that we couldn't make it work. we talk about maybe seeing each other, eventually, and seeing if the spark is still there.

of course, i need to stop. that is the only given.

three hours on the phone with him,

an hour and a half with my mom,
and an hour face-to-face with terry,

and i know that keeping discussion going isn't the answer. i know that i have to leave him and let him come back if he wants to. i know that trying to hold on halfway isn't the solution. i know that i have things to work on. i know that if he wants me, he'll come back and ask for me. he'll offer himself in a new way. he'll want to be a different person. and it won't take mediation, it will be organic. and if it isn't, it isn't supposed to happen anyway. so i need to stop holding my breath.

period. the end. move on.

my next post should be about the boy i'm going out with tonight. so it will be.

drinking myself forgetful

isn't a good idea, either.

but trying to keep it together, trying not to unravel, is hard.

i know the way he acted wasn't good enough, but he was good enough. if i want perfection, simon isn't it, but. if i'm looking for tolerable imperfection, he is it. if i could just tame my jealousy bug. just a little bit.


uggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh.

i guess it's not so bad

i needed to change something about my life-- i felt stuck, and undernourished, and dehydrated by my relationship. i've been complaining about it for months. i've been complaining about it since it started. and things never got better. partially because i need to work on myself, partly because he needs to realize that he needs to work on himself, too. do i love him? yes. would i date him again if things were going to be the same? .... .... .... no. i wouldn't. i wouldn't date him again. do i need to write him love letters anymore, while he goes out and enjoys the company of the person whose company tore us apart? no. no i don't. this fucking sucks right now, don't get me wrong. being without the good/great parts of him sucks. knowing that he probably would never reflect on himself in a meaningful way, and act on that reflection sucks. knowing that i have not been a strong enough experience to cause him to change his outlook sucks. but i know that it's true. and i need to stop beating myself up over something that i never could change. never, ever could. and can't.

the worst part

is waking up. waking up to a world that no longer offers the warmth and beauty of a love that i drank in like fresh-squeezed orange juice.
now, waking up means again becoming conscious of the fact that our love didn't work, for either of us. becoming conscious of the fact that, in the end, i have noone but myself. becoming conscious of the fact that simon wasn't "it." i was supposed to have realized that back in january when he told me he couldn't be "in love" with anyone. i was supposed to have understood that this was just a stop on my journey, not my destination. but i loved him. i would have done anything to feel like he loved me too. i would have given anything. anythinganythinganythinganything. anything. i wanted him so. badly. to love like this is most definitely a form of torture.
i hate this.

miserable

i go for a walk, i cry.
i take a nap, i cry.
i watch t.v., i cry.
i think, i cry.
i go dancing, i cry.
i think more, i cry.
i drink, i cry.
i eat, i cry.
i talk, i cry.
i get with him, i cry.





















i might drown in the midst of my tears