Tuesday, April 3, 2007

i guess it's not so bad

i needed to change something about my life-- i felt stuck, and undernourished, and dehydrated by my relationship. i've been complaining about it for months. i've been complaining about it since it started. and things never got better. partially because i need to work on myself, partly because he needs to realize that he needs to work on himself, too. do i love him? yes. would i date him again if things were going to be the same? .... .... .... no. i wouldn't. i wouldn't date him again. do i need to write him love letters anymore, while he goes out and enjoys the company of the person whose company tore us apart? no. no i don't. this fucking sucks right now, don't get me wrong. being without the good/great parts of him sucks. knowing that he probably would never reflect on himself in a meaningful way, and act on that reflection sucks. knowing that i have not been a strong enough experience to cause him to change his outlook sucks. but i know that it's true. and i need to stop beating myself up over something that i never could change. never, ever could. and can't.

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