challengHer--> joy 1, fear 1

so this past week's challenge, facing my fears, is a draw. i feel like i made some progress, but obviously cannot definitively say that i'm going to stop being such a chicken for good.
my wins:

• accepting a new position, both at work and for future work (that sounds confusing i know, but it makes sense if you know me). i swallowed all of my worries about the future and decided to let my gut lead me. i think that the decisions i've made will help ensure that those resolutions i made for the new year don't become just hollow words.
• attempting to conquer my fear of reaching out. i made progress in my attempts to make new friends this week, which is one of those things that is really hard in new york. everybody has so much to do, all the time, that adding a new face onto the roster is often not a top priority. i also am chickenshit, and afraid of rejection, even from new friends! i need to make more friends, though, so i'm pushing that notion with a few people. i am "courting" (isn't that an awesome word?!) two new friends, one female and one male. needless to say, the female push is easier than the male one- inviting a man out platonically is always subject to awkwardness and misunderstanding, at least in my experience. that one i'm still working on. my new female friend, though, is great. we're gonna hang out and talk about writing! yay!

fear's wins:

• i didn't even attempt the headstand at yoga yesterday! i am such a lily-liver. :(
• i'm still afraid, i think, to dream big for myself. i think my dreams are always small ones that i know i have a good chance to achieving. i am only confident in those aspects of myself that are readily and regularly supported by people around me (as long as those people are in positions of authority). my friends' and family's support, while wonderful and important to me, does not translate into confidence any more than my own beliefs. i figure they love me, and therefore have to think i'm good at things. i felt more insecure this week than i have in a long time, and it leaves me always second-guessing my worth. and that's shitty.

so, the challenge for this week:

1. make a list of three big dreams
2. interview for the summer part-time position of new york city teaching fellow advisor (long title, i know) and nail it
3. yoga! and try the headstand!
4. keep fending off the fear, at all costs
5. oh, also, if i see a hot guy on the train checking me out, i'm going to smile, goddammit. fuck the bullshit! :D

until next time...