Saturday, December 15, 2007

on the shaking of tailfeathers

if a certain male coworker asks me again when i'm going to "get crunkalicious and shake my tailfeather to the flo'," i'm going to have to share the following, no matter how embarrassing these truths may be for him:
  1. i am not eligible for crunkaliciousness. yes, i am black. yes, i get drunk. but no, i do not get crunk. i am far too bougie for that. lil' jon would laugh my ass off the dance floor if anyone were to ever tell him that i was "crunk." also, you, a white man from wisconsin who seems to have a penchant for essentializing people of color into the most reductive and offensive stereotypes possible, are not crunk and will never be crunk, even though you special order the crunk juice that pays lil' jon's rent by the case.
  2. "shake your tailfeather" and "to the flo'" are NOT phrases that are uttered together. they are from different songs, by different artists, and when you scream them at the top of your lungs in crowded bars, even the fratty white boys look up like, "WhaaAT?!"
  3. i have an ass, a booty, some junk in my trunk. i do not have a tailfeather. nelly is not a benchmark for 2007 cool. nelly is a benchmark for 2001 not-cool. nelly wears air force ones. even if i DID have a tailfeather, you would have zero reason to refer to it. my ass is none of your damn business.
  4. lastly, all of this just leaves me feeling really, really bad for your girlfriend, who is of color but must be really lost. to spend time with you and your racist, faux-liberal stupidity must be a daily struggle of a type that i can only begin to imagine.
please jump off a motherfucking cliff.

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