in the thick of things

self-motivation is a much larger part of this adult life than i ever expected. i find, more and more, that the only one in my life who can truly and meaningfully challenge me is me.

at work i feel endlessly bored or bogged down by tasks that feel meaningless and unengaging, and it is only over the last few months that i have taken it upon myself to initiate challenges for myself. it's like HS all over again, choosing the honors track instead of regular not because my parents pushed but because i love that feeling of stretching, of growing, of doing something i've never done before, of meeting a tight deadline or accomplishing an impossible task. sometimes i actually think i can feel myself learning something new or lighting upon a new idea and those are the only parts of my day that excite me, minus my students making some meaningful connection or showing their wonderful personalities or being generally lovely. these are the moments i cling to.

this week a small group of teachers on staff at my school had the opportunity to talk to my charter network's founder about sustainability at the school. i was the only one that cited "space for creativity" as an important part of sustaining a teaching practice for many years. i was the only one that expressed a need to diversify her daily experience. i was the only one, the only one, the only one. maybe i'm a diva.

i miss the women in my life

the good ones. the smart ones. the ones that will tell me how fucked up i am. the thoughtful ones. the ones that think faster than me. the ones that will take care of me when i mess up. the ones that know which boy i'm staring at. the ones that know my weaknesses, the ones that hear my muttered comments to myself. the ones i trust. there are so few of them in my daily circle, in my weekly one, nowadays. i feel unanchored and unsure. i miss my friends.