dream

my mom told me today that she had a dream about me a few weeks ago. in the dream, i told her that i had things to tell her about my ex and the way he treated me, and that things were much worse than i ever wanted to say. before i told her, though, i said i needed to get on the subway. "it was so weird, because i remember you saying, 'i've gotta go, but one day i'll tell you the truth, mommy,'" she said.

i rushed to assure her that there is nothing to tell, that it was no big deal, but he and i both know that's not quite true. i will never tell my mother any of the truth because neither of us, nor our selfish, self-absorbed, nasty actions have ever been/will ever be worth my mother's tears. her question did make me realize, though, that another relationship like that one is completely unacceptable. and it takes the sheen off of the relationship i so like to romanticize in my memory.

well sL, if you read this, my mom wants you to know she's praying for you. i was supposed to tell you that next time i see you on the train, but i think we'd both prefer it this way.

aunt deedee

these are the only words that came to me tonight as i sat at my great-aunt's wake. i don't really know what else to say.


st. john's was
full
tonight
my aunt deedee is gone.

every pew packed.

lord i care not for riches
neither silver nor gold
i would make sure of heaven
i would enter the fold

it's hard not to believe in heaven
when you've lost
when those you cherish are no more

speaking of amazing women
and men
means speaking of deedee and george
of
virgie and albert
it means speaking of my family
and the beauty we hold

my heart is heavy tonight
like it has been before
this is one of the times
i would (almost) enter the fold

proving your _____-ness. fill in the freaking blank.

so i ran across this article at times today (it's listed as one of the "most emailed.") basically, the article is titled "how do you prove you're a jew?" and it has me thinking about an experience i had this weekend with some friends.

i never have to prove my jewishness. i am not a jew. i do, however, sometimes feel that i am asked to prove my blackness. it's something i resent and that i have struggled to deal with and get past my entire life.
(more after the jump)

one reason the whole argument over barack obama's blackness never made sense to me is the fact that i have often been accused of not being "black enough" and both of my parents are black. i have no white mom to confuse my identity. i do, though, have a variety of experiences and a history of self-doubt and low self-esteem that have created an adult who still wrestles with "proving herself."

so back to this weekend. i was hanging out with a boy. a boy that i have a humongous crush on. we went to the black comedy experiment on friday, and the apollo on saturday. it was nice. he's cute. he's smart. he's funny. he's also BLACK (yes, in all caps, just like i told my friend laura a few days ago). i, on the other hand, am black (yes, in all lowercase). he went to an HBCU. i went to a top ten small liberal arts school. he was a tv junkie as a child; i was only allowed to watch tv for a few hours on saturday, after i finished my chores. he loves 90s hip-hop and other "black" music; my fanatical parents only really let me listen to the radio once i was in high school. before that, i was relegated to james dobson's focus on the family, d.c. talk, and jars of clay.

we are different, yes. but is it our "levels" of blackness that are in question? if so, what is this checklist of things that "real" black people must aspire to fulfill?

now, i know that there are tons of complications (in my own mind as well as in the minds of others) on this issue. a few of the ones that come to mind:

1. when white people do/like/are interested in things that are given other racial markers (i.e., things that aren't listed on what white people like), they are regarded with suspicion and considered to be co-opting another culture.
   
2. when black people "sell out" and support/do things that are considered to be negative for their own race, they're seen as "oreos"

now, like i noted, i think that way as well. i think al sharpton's permed hair is an abomination, and white people with locks and dirty clothes that try to preachify on issues of equality and revolution annoy the hell out of me. but i don't feel like i'm trying to be "white." in fact, that's the last thing i want to be. i have devoted my life to education and activism to further the "struggle," yet my authenticity is still measured by whether or not i can recite the script of that boondocks episode by heart.

sometimes i am still the 11 year old girl i once was, with glasses and braces, feeling uncomfortable at the BSA meeting at the prep school i was only able to attend with an almost-full scholarship and countless sacrifices on the parts of my parents. the other black kids at the school, and in BSA, had parents who drove mercedes and lived in big houses in nice parts of town. they called me an "oreo" while laughing at the uniform clothes my mom found for me in the lost and found. i was the inauthentic one, always, because i didn't think the black scholarship boys, who came from liberty city and overtown and played football, were so exciting as to be worthy of my adoration. my hair wasn't permed or pressed yet, and i liked to read and study and get good grades.

any ____-ness, any identity, has its markers, i know. and i know there are any number of reasons to feel like an outcast in a situation. i also know that i was just a nerd, and that was just as viable a reason for the kids to make fun of me as any other. i guess i just feel like i didn't, and don't, want to have to change to be able to be seen as part of my race. if i can't sit at the cool kids' table, so be it. but to not be black because i don't hate acapella singing groups? damn.

that smarts.

computer burn

finished formatting curriculum, and my eyes feel like they're going to fall out of my head. cannot wait to finish editing and spot-checking...so i can go home and clean the bathroom?

i can't believe this is my "grown and sexy" life...

life just keeps getting better

lots of good surprises this week, the most recent of which came today.

i find myself constantly trying to balance my fear (of new things, of failure, of rejection, of misunderstanding, of mistakes) with the draw of the new, exciting opportunities that present themselves (almost) every day. it's a constant me vs. fear battle, and i let fear win far too often.

here's to taking more chances, and being willing to challenge my fears.




(maybe it'll even pay off.)

if you read this before 8 am (EST),

say a little prayer for me...

big things going on, my friends, big things.

more lates.

i am.

busy, in the best possible way,
excited about possibilities my near future holds,
content with the way things are shaping up,
boldly imagining/molding my life into a much better "place" to be.

january is working out quite nicely.

sometimes the wonderfulness of friends astounds me

i feel so lucky to have my friends sometimes. today one of my older, wiser friends and i had a chat. nothing too intense-- she set me up to visit a school and then we rode the train downtown together from 231st street up in the bronx. we were interrupted by calls to our cells and random silences. nothing special, yet the insights i gained from her are infinitely valuable. i trust her opinion, and it wasn't until i was sitting next to her in her car this morning that i realized i had so much to ask.

i don't know what i would do without friends like her. and i'm grateful to my time in new york if only because my first job here gifted me my relationship with her and with another friend, chris. having women whose footsteps are just the right size and shape for you to follow is really nice. and to have role models that aren't so far away as to be inaccessible is what my mother would call a blessing.

feeling thankful.

starting over (again)

maybe moving back into the school environment in the fall! big step to take a year after i left, no? i'm thinking so too. so i'm going to think about this one carefully.

i want to take this slowly and to make my next step deliberately.

i can't be open here for a variety of reasons, but hit me up if you know me and wanna know more. this should be interesting.

OMG! and another one bites the dust...

yet another of my little whiteboy star crushes of the nineties has died of an apparent overdose!!!! :( what's wrong whiteboys? what happened? oh, brad, if only you had made it onto "dr. drew's celebrity rehab" in time!

i know i sound really shitty right now, and like i'm mocking this, but i'm not. i'm actually really serious. i'm actually really emotionally kind of shaken up. brad renfro is dead, and it makes me sad.

what is happening to our generation?

shh, don't tell

i know a blog is not a good place to share top-secret information, so i won't share it (all) here.

but i will say that sticking up for yourself sometimes brings its own (somewhat flawed) rewards. come february first, my job will be a little different. not necessarily better, but different. you could say my talk with the boss worked, or you could say i've dug a bigger hole for myself. we will see when i can explain the whole thing here, for real.

upgrade you

gotta love that beyonce jam. the upgrade chain in the mouth is a little nasty, but hey, why can't a girl have a little fun, right?

my boss asked me today what my top three personal goals are for the next two years. she wants to be my fairy boss and grant me three professional wishes (and thereby keep me from running off to grad school/back to the classroom/off to a position that actually pays). that, of course, made me think. what are my top three personal/professional goals for the next two years? what would i really like to accomplish?

1. publishing something would be nice, i think. a book with my name on it, and learning how to do some press for such a book would be ideal.
2. honing my management skills, and adding a major management project to my resume. not sure what the project would be, but i really want something that proves that i know how to manage people and not just information.
3. #3 is up in the air, folks, and baffling me just a little. any suggestions?

gift for the 4th (i open them before i go to bed because i am a 5 year old in a mid-twenties, quickly widening body ;)): two pairs of socks. cute. striped. but still not an ipod. :(

bday countdown

so my mom is generally pretty awesome when it comes to big milestones. i got 16 gifts on my 16th birthday, including 16 roses, and it was great. so when she said i was getting a gift for every day of december up til my birthday, i thought she was alluding to really great things. i just opened my december 1st gift.

what was it?

a pair of socks and some cough syrup. haha leslie, ha ha.

bday

12.13, baby! it's on its way. and i'm excited, goshdarnit. third birthday spent in new york (crazy!), and i still don't have it down, but i'm getting there. on the menu this year- mexican, karaoke, margaritas.

*raise it (the roof)! *