this is the end of the innocence

i'm entering my 6th year of teaching (as in, it has already begun). i started my first blog during my first year teaching, which started about 6 years ago. my journey with words written into boxes on my computer screen and shared with the world has had its stops and starts, but i would really like to spend time spinning phrases and ideas into lines in this space as much as possible.

growing up has mellowed me out and made me less interested in sharing myself with the anonymous world out there, and my amped up professional life sucks away my time to immerse myself in good words and ideas, leaving me with less than amazing insights into the things going on in the world.

i could easily tell you the latest about yosmary's helpfulness, or how jericho finally turned in his op-ed, or even about the little work flirtation situation happening with the kindergarten teacher from cali, but all that seems unimportant in the face of tornadoes and a black president who is losing traction and a nation that is waiting for superman to land on our doorstep. none of the minutiae of my and my students' lives seems worth the publicity. and yet, it is that minutiae that is beginning to be all that really matters; my microcosm for seeing the rest of this big bad world of ours.

this is where i am. hear me out.

random post?

i'm not sure why i'm posting, but i am. i'm just home from fun after work, contemplating saturday school tomorrow, and i'm okay. okay with my boyfriend being far, far away, okay with my at-work crush being all crushed out, okay with the huge stack of papers awaiting me, okay with students who struggle to be all they can be, okay with the frustration of life right now. okay with my 27-ness. okay.


good, though, is not here right now. maybe later. maybe next week, or next month, or next year. maybe.

it feels good to write again...though i seemed so much wittier, and interesting then, and the prospect of having to court readers again just feels oh-so-difficult...

boo.

buenas noches, world.

it has been a long, long while

and for the first time in a long time, i feel like writing. i feel like writing about this new life that i have created.

i've been teacher for, oh, 3 years and 8 months now. 8 months since the end of my year-long break, 8 months since i returned to my calling. it has been a rocky road. nothing about teaching at a great school in a high-performing charter network is easy. writing lessons isn't easy, managing students isn't easy, finding time to get all my crap done isn't easy...loving the kids as much as i do isn't easy.

today i felt like singing until i had a meeting with my boss that left me feeling teary. i cry way too easily, granted, but i didn't feel good after a week that left me tired and mentally drained. i worked and worked and worked my butt off all week, only to hear that everything i did wasn't quite good enough. being a perfectionist, getting constant feedback is hard- obviously noone is ever perfect when working with other people (there's always tons of room for mistakes), but sometimes you don't want to hear it. sometimes you just want to try to feel good about what you've done without any critical feedback. :/

forever learning.

next week i'm off to california for 10ish days with 63 kids...whoo hoo? we'll be visiting my alma mater along with other schools and i'm super excited to spend some time having fun with my loves. wish me luck- i'm rooming with some of the biggest drama queens in the grade!

feels good to be back...

celebrating independence

i'm back. for a minute.

i actually felt it this weekend. a true sense of independence for myself. i went up to vermont to visit my best friend from high school's family, and not only was it an awesome weekend (iwentsailingandhotairballooningandswamandatetonsandhungoutwiththecutest2and4year oldseverandlaughedandsanganddidyogaandohdidimentionthehotairballoon? COOL!), but i also felt this sense of being free from my usually constant needs. good stuff.

one cool picture for yas-

i kinda want a greenhouse

i read this article about a new green magnet school in new haven, connecticut, and i have to admit that my first thought was something like "oh, those white kids always get the cool schools!" *sucking teeth* turns out, though, that for once the typical conclusion was an incorrect one-- the kids in the pictures are brown like me! yay! horticulture is awesome, and i love that these students (and really, i would be happy for any students, regardless of race) have the chance to learn how to love the environment.

yay for good school experiments. they don't come along often enough.

it was like i never left

it has been another busy day, and it continues, but i have to quickly take a moment to thank whoever it is that puts us on this earth for allowing me to find my calling in the classroom. i saw my children today and it was like i never left. i sometimes have to remind myself that some of the most profound connections i have had with people were found in a classroom, and that there are very few things that mean more to me than my children. sometimes i forget what it means to love them, and how it feels to receive that love in return, and what my purpose in life is. i forget, but then i see terrell and ruthie and navaskia and the kevins and cliffannie and alexis and they ask me to return, to come to their houses, to hear about their mom and how she lost her job or how grandma is sick and i remember that my calling is to serve them. and i realize that returning to the classroom next year is absolutely the right decision. slowly but surely it all becomes clear.

maybe one day, one of my/our students

will thank me/us as eloquently as this young person has thanked their teachers (some of whom may be my old cali colleagues!).

appreciation never gets old, and i, for one, prefer it out of the mouths of the children than from anywhere else. read afika khan:



Thank you, teachers

An L.A. Unified grad gives some gratitude during a hard time for schools.
By Afika Khan
April 1, 2008
After reading "With jobs on the line, teachers explore their options," regarding layoff notices teachers are receiving, I wanted to say thank you to teachers who have stayed in the educational system, however bad it may be.

Your resilience is very impressive to say the least. Year after year, you get thrown around because of budget cuts in the education system. Budget cuts have encroached on every aspect of your careers. Thoughts of simply surrendering to this supposedly admirable governor and getting a job that is less agonizing must have crossed your minds, but you persist and remain dedicated to public schools. On behalf of myself and probably all the students whose minds you have nourished with hopes of a successful future, thank you.

I wish thanking you was enough. This year will be especially hard on you. Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger expects to cut billions of dollars out of the education system in California. There are prospects of teachers getting laid off. However, the Los Angeles Unified School District has decided not to lay off any teachers. A burden of insecurity has been removed from these teachers' backs, but an even larger one has replaced it: dealing with larger classroom sizes, inadequate school supplies and even salary cuts.

You teachers have developed a hard shell because of these inconveniences. As the governor keeps taking money away from the system every year, your shell grows thicker. It is not right that you to have to conform to such intolerable measures. Managing such inconsistencies and frustrations is a noble and honorable act in itself.

Having grown up in the L.A. Unified system from kindergarten through my senior year in high school, I remember seeing countless teachers exhausted and frustrated. However, when it was time to teach, they came in the classroom with conviction and amazing strength. I could tell they loved their work, but it was as if they were fighting a war that they were too drained to fight. Thank you for not giving up. I would not be at a four-year university were it not for your dedication.

We cannot keep treating teachers this way. California has one of the largest economies in the world, yet it ends up being one of the worst states in education funding. According to Education Weekly, our school finance is worse than that of Louisiana, even after Hurricane Katrina. It is ironic that although the governor could risk his life to save a class of kindergartners in a movie, when it comes to real life, he is hurting kindergartners by continually neglecting the teachers who help them learn and develop. Someone needs to tell him to stop terminating teachers and fix this problem.

In May, the governor might make revisions to the budget plan. To save schools from budget cuts, the state could increase taxes on cigarettes and alcohol, or on sales of concert tickets, CDs and DVDs. He can even tax the distribution of candy. Maybe then he can redeem himself at the "May revise" and start saying he "will revise."

I do not know when Schwarzenegger is going to realize that investing in teachers and the education system would be most beneficial for California. If he does not do it soon, the education system could very well start to crumble, and there will be even more instability than there is now. Such deterioration could lead to a ripple effect in the economy. Without knowledgeable teachers guiding society, the very ideals of democracy could be jeopardized.

So I thank teachers for having the strength and patience to continue teaching.

Afika Khan, a USC sophomore studying political science and international relations, attended schools in the Los Angeles Unified School District for 13 years.

preparing myself

career day at my old school is april 17th. i haven't seen my kids since last june. i am ready. i miss them.


i'm already thinking about what i should bake to bring.




it feels like yet another homecoming.

another nugget of truth from the SBTB camp

SBTB, by the way, stands for "Saved by the Bell," my favorite early morning t.v. fix. I've always been an early morning t.v. watcher-- from "Mork and Mindy" and "Mr. Ed" when I was young, to "Captain Planet" in my adolescence, I've never had qualms about enjoying t.v. from days gone by before the sun rises.
Today's episode of SBTB is about believing in who you are, whether or not the object of your desire appreciates what you have to offer. The student council decides to have a date auction to raise money for cheerleading uniforms, and Lisa tries to change into a nerd to get brainy Brian to like her, while Zach's plus-size date Wendy dumps him- twice- because he is unable to get over himself enough to see her as a person and not a charity case. If only I were so secure in myself and my merits. Finally, of course, and totally unrealistically, Zach asks Wendy to have the last dance with him, and turns down the chance of a dance with the hot model-like blonde. Lisa flips out on Brian after he insults all of her pals, and tears all of the modest aspects of her clothing off in order to become "herself" again. It was Saturday morning t.v., it couldn't turn out too badly, right?
There's also a weird moment when Slater is shadowing Kelly's cheerleading routine and he does the most insane head-toss EVER. classic t.v. moment.
Gotta love TBS.

you are your own best thing

that's from somewhere in beloved (toni morrison). it came to me as i was walking to the train from work tonight. it's something i need to work on believing.
***
on the way home from the train every night now, i see kids- high school kids, middle school kids, and i miss them. their vibrance and their life. i don't miss their attitudes, or their laziness, or their "jokes," but there are a lot of things i do miss. i love the new job for the way it stretches my brain, and gives me opportunities to grow, but i miss the kids. i never thought i'd say this, but i would pay money, i think, to hear phionna's voice say, "ms. OSBORNE! what the hell you do to your hair?!"